- Ruthsarian :
- Intro/Facts :
- Interviews :
- Mulch Poems :
- Mulch Fire Bumper Stickers :
- Cows :
- What is Fire? :
- Contact :
- Chuck Norris: The Solution :
- Mulching Links :
Mulch Fire Interviews
We interviewed a few of the local Helotes residents at random, and got a variety of different responses to our question:
"How do you feel about this mulch fire?"
Bob Flashburger
"This fire has totally changed my outlook on mulch heaps. I mean, this is totally crazy! Who would have ever guessed that a mulch pile would ever be this exciting?"
Trent Schott
"The increased traffic on Farm Road 1560 helped me sell my '1987 Skylark in just two weeks! Heck, I might just try and sell my 1996 Chevrolet Asto now!"
Gretchen Myles
Although the mulch fire has ruined our home's exterior, I am not upset. I accept the mulch fire for what it is: a unique and exciting experience. The aliens have changed their approach. Crop circles are old hat; they know that a long-smoldering trash heap would be a much more though-provoking message - not to mention much easier to place in the dead of night!"
Sam Hurtos
"I hate this filthy, meaningless, incoherent pile of flaming detritus. I hope it falls victim to a no-nonsense thunderhead. This mulch fire has smudged my home and ruined my air conditioner. I hate this fire with every ounce of strength in my body."
Mary Vaughn
This fire has done wonders for our family mulch business! We've sold more mulch this month than any other. I guess this is to be expected...our main competition's mulch is on fire! Too bad, so sad. It's a dog-eat-dog world. You reap what you sow, and we fully plan on playing the cards we've been dealt.
Chuck Norris
"I could dispatch the fire in about 10 seconds. One swift roundhouse kick, and it's history. There would be nothing left. I would only charge you $20.00 and a steak dinner. I can't believe how wussy the city of San Antonio is! My grandmother could put the fire out with her flippin' dust mop. If you ask me, y'all need a couple of brave New Yorkers to help you take care of this"
The Mulch Fire
"I will burn until I decide to stop burning. That's all there is to it. You pathetic humans allowed me to grow to unwieldy proportions, and now you must pay the price. I will fill your town with putrid smoke, and make myself as much of an eyesore as possible. I do appreciate the nice daily showers you are giving me now, but it's gonna take a heck of a lot more than that to quell MY blaze! hahahahahaha!"