- Ruthsarian :
- Intro/Facts :
- Interviews :
- Mulch Poems :
- Mulch Fire Bumper Stickers :
- Cows :
- What is Fire? :
- Contact :
- Chuck Norris: The Solution :
- Mulching Links :
No one submitted a eulogy.
No one gets a prize.
BOO-HOO! Nobody sent me a eulogy! Freakin' ridiculous. Hundreds of visitors, and no bites. I suppose I might be alone in embracing literary mulchism. Regardless, the contest is over. Like I've said in the past, I will be leaving the site up. If you have anything to contribute here, email me! I am very curious to learn about any lawsuits or other legal action resulting from the mulch fire. I am also too lazy to seriously research the subject. Please keep me posted of any fines or penalties being levied due to the fire. I may start a unique page devoted to these cases. It seems only logical that people would lawyer up and try to seek reparation from the soot and smoke previously spewed forth from Zumwalt's property.
BIG NEWS! The Helotes Mulch Fire is OUT!
and I'm sponsoring a eulogy contest...
Wait...didn't they tell us the fire was out in January? And February? Hmm...I'm not sure I believe it. A mulch fire this resilient is not so easily extinguished. I won't believe it until I see it with my own eyes.
If this is indeed true, it is a bittersweet day. We've all grown so mulch through this experience. You know, the Helotes fire led to my having a talk-radio interview - my 15 minutes of flame! It's going to be hard to say goodbye. I suspect they eventually broke down and brought in Chuck "Fists of Stone" Norris. There are rumors that the entire operation to extinguish the fire will end up costing 5.5 MILLION DOLLARS. This equals approximately 2 MILLION DOLLARS per month that taxpayers have had to spend on this operation. What a bargain! (We probably could have smothered the fire with 2 to 3 million one-dollar bills)
I have decided that TheMulchFire.com will remain intact as long as the Internet remains intact, or at least until IT catches on fire. I will probably be closing the CafePress shop soon, though. It costs $6.95/month to maintain. That's money that could be well spent on kerosene and matches. (I also am in possession of a gigantic mulch pile, but when I torch it I'll probably just blame it on a local high school glee club.)
I've posted a few memorial items on the merchandise page in case you want any mementos to remember 'Mulchie' by. The CafePress page will be retracted in 30 days. Thanks for all the fun, and if you want to submit any more poetry or news, shoot me an email anytime! I would love for someone to send me a eulogy.
In fact, whoever sends me the best eulogy (NO LENGTH REQUIREMENT!!!) will be awarded a t-shirt and bumper sticker of their choice! This is the contest. Send your submissions by April 15th, and I will judge them all personally. Vent. Laugh. As you can tell by this site, nothing is too far-fetched. I will post the top 5 submissions on this site! Visit the contact page for my email address. I can't wait to see what you come up with.
The Webmaster Says Goodbye...
Adios, dear mulch pile. You are gone, but not forgotten. I have composed a farewell poem for you:
"Death of an Anthropomorphized Trash Heap"
I know you went to heaven.
I'm sad you had to leave.
You poisoned our wells
with your unfriendly smells,
you recalcitrant smoldering heap.
Your flames cost us 5 million dollars
(too bad we didn't call Chuck)
I'll tell you right now,
my website will die
And I know that you don't give a darn.
I want you to know that I'll miss you
I loved how you fought 'til the end
The fireman thought they could whip you,
But I'd say it is you who whipped them.
I hope that my own life ends with a blaze;
a glorious finish like yours,
when I see you in heaven,
we'll have to smoke-out,
and remember Helotes, for sure.
-sincerely, Mike
Introduction
This page was started to help bring San Antonio and Helotes residents more information on the giant mulch fire. The mulch fire is extremely dangerous, expensive, and above all - fun! All you will get in the mainstream news is doom and gloom, and a highly biased perspective on this raging Texas inferno. In reality, the fire is being underutilized.
It has already been a tremendous help to our community. It has boosted the tourism on Farm Road 1560. It has brought a joyous sense of unity to the Helotes community, as well as the teams of "experts" who have been paid handsomely to put the fire out. Never mind the fact that everyone has failed miserably. The fire has helped many different sectors of our community come together.
How about all the meaningful family discussions and bonding that has come out of this? The Sunday drives and picnics by the mulch fire? The lessons that have been learned? ("Don't you DARE set our mulch on fire son. If you do, I will burn your toys and send you to military school in Alaska.") Or... ("When I was YOUR age, I had to put out our family's mulch fire each morning before I could have breakfast! Then I had to walk to school where I learned how to put out mulch fires!")
Let's face it:
Mulch fires build character!
Here are a few quick facts about the mulch fire:
- It produces smoke.
- It started in 2006.
- The fire is so hot that it is boiling water in the Edwards Aquifer beneath it.
- It can be seen from space.
- It was either ignited by a meteorite, or Kim Jong-Il.
- It could help put San Antonio on the map by qualifying us for the Guiness Book of World Records for "World's largest Weenie Roast" Carpe Diem...
- Only Chuck Norris can put it out now.
Please take a few minutes to look around and learn more about the fire and its surrounding events. Above all, do not complain unless you have done your research first. Visit the fire. If you are not moved to tears by its beauty and power, then you can whine. Long live the mulch fire!
News
TheMulchFire.com makes the Express News! (3/25/2007)
Wow! TheMulchFire.com was featured in a front-page, above-the-fold article in the Express News! You can read the article here: Much ado about 'Mulchie'. Our esteemed environmental writer Anton Caputo took a few minutes to ask me about the site, and I am most flattered. I suppose the mulch fire really will live on!
TheMulchFire.com a guest on the Chris Duel Show! (3/20/2007)
TheMulchFire.com was featured on the Chris Duel show today! Wow! What an honor to speak with Mr. Duel. I must say he's an excellent interviewer, and hosts a great talk show. I highly recommend that you give him a listen. (550am KTSA 4:00-7:00pm)
UPDATE! The Flippin' Fire is still burning! (3/12/2007)
Surprise! The dang fire is still burning! After a few reports that efforts to extinguish the giant mulch fire were going swimmingly well, we have now been informed that it will continue to burn for another month yet! Holy smokes! (pun intended) How much weirder can things get at this point!? Actually, extremely:
As if an 80 foot tall flaming pile of mulch wasn't weird enough, San Antonio and Helotes residents have now been apprised of the fact that the mulch fire contains fecal matter! Indeed, our efforts to extinguish the blaze are leaching fecal coliform bacteria into the Edwards Acquifer. In case you were wondering, approximately 1.7 million people get drinking water from this acquifer. What a delightful twist to the mulch fire extravaganza! I'm sure looking forward to showering in poop.
What in the name of Sam-Hill was Henry H. Zumwalt DOING on his property??? Honestly. Crop circles aren't half as bizarre as this mulch fire. Obviously, this mulch pile was a little superfluous to begin with...but where did the dung come from? Perhaps (before the fire started) the locals had periodic poop-on-the-mulch-pile hazing rituals. Every community has a "weird person in the neighborhood"...this certainly couldn't be too far off. It's pretty much tantamount to "ringing the doorbell and running," or toilet-papering someone's house. Regardless, I'm going to go throw up now. Care to join me?
I suggest you put a few antibiotic prescriptions on layaway. Or live/cook/shower entirely with bottled water.
TheMulchFire.com Blogged about in the Express News! (2/21/2007)
TheMulchFire.com was blogged about by Express-News writer-at-large, Roy Bragg. You can read the article here: The Mulch Fire: 100% American. It's an interesting piece. It's darn funny how he cites that the fire would be out in two weeks, eh?