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What is a Fire?

There are two types of fire:
  1. Natural
  2. Human

Let's start by learning about natural fire.

Natural Fire
A natural fire is usually comprised of:
  • heat
  • smoke
  • wood
  • oxygen
  • leaves
In the natural world, fire originates from 5 sources:
  • lightning
  • meteorites
  • volcanos
  • the sun
  • global warming
The average duration of a natural fire is 8-12 hours, depending on the amount of wind/earth/fire/water. In theory, a natural fire NEVER HAS TO GO OUT. This is a very rough summation of natural fire, but you get the idea. Human fire is a whole different animal.

Human Fire

Human fire is made of five possible components:

  • exotic hardwoods
  • plastic
  • old christmas trees
  • cardboard
  • mulch
That's it. A human fire can be started with one five different methods:

  • flint and steel
  • kerosene
  • matches
  • acts of terrorism by Kim Jong-Il
  • sheer intimidation by CHUCK NORRIS
The average duration of a human fire is 14-21 days, depending on media attention/badmouthing.

How to Put Out a Fire

Unfortunately, there are only 2 ways to put out a large fire:

  • bomb it into oblivion
  • CHUCK NORRIS intimidating the fire into extinguishing itself

I believe that only one of these methods could apply to the Helotes Mulch fire: Chuck Norris. I mean, C'MON!...You're not going to be able to douse an 80-foot-high flaming pile of mulch! That would only anger it more. Nope. Only Chuck Norris could crush a fire like we have in Helotes.



This page is designed to be complete nonsense, and is for entertainment purposes ONLY. Your interpretation of the site's contents is entirely your own, and the webmaster assumes no responsibility.